


Happiness is worth the pain of losing someone

by Amandjnx



Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, WandaVision (TV)
Genre: Danvers-Rambeau family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Parent Carol Danvers, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Supportive friend, WandaVision spoilers, carol danvers feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29084631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amandjnx/pseuds/Amandjnx
Summary: [WANDAVISION SPOILERS]These moments were the ones Carol dreaded the most, when Natasha had a special update for her at the end of their holographic meeting with the team, she knew it was about Maria.
Relationships: Carol Danvers & Maria Rambeau, Carol Danvers & Natasha Romanov, Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau, Carol Danvers/Natasha Romanov (hinted)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80





	Happiness is worth the pain of losing someone

**Author's Note:**

> Since the last episode of WandaVision told us that Maria died during the 5 years gap and that people say Carol wasn't with her at tha moment, I wanted to write my view of it. I strongly believe Carol was with her in her last moments, wheter they ever dated or not doesn't change the fact that they were each other's person and Carol would have make the effort to be there, I just know it.

These moments were the ones Carol dreaded the most, when Natasha had a special update for her at the end of their holographic meeting with the team.

She had always kept in touch with Monica and Maria, even if she wasn't dating the latter anymore, they were her family, Monica her daughter.

When she first heard of Maria's cancer, Carol instantly flew back to Earth to be by her side for all the medical exams, that was in the summer of 2017. At first, the doctors tried chemotherapy to reduce the size of the tumour and, when it had shrunk enough, they scheduled a surgery for the 31st of May, the day of Thanos' snap. Carol couldn't be by Maria's side when she woke up, as much as she wanted to, but Monica had taken some days off to be there.

Getting the signal from the communicator she gave to Nick so many years ago cut short Carol's breath, she thought it was about Maria, but when she followed the signal and found the Avengers compound, she realised what else happened while she was gone. Discovering that Nick got dusted was like a stab in the heart and Carol also had to focus very hard to stay in the game, but Maria was still in the corner of her head. She was very emotional that day but hopefully one redhead was there to remind her the importance of what had happened.

After rescuing Tony Stark and Nebula, Carol excused herself and went to Maria's bedside, that was when she found out that Monica was another victim of the snap. They cried together for long hours, mourning the loss of their only child. It was hard for Carol to leave but Maria told her to, she had to help the Avengers saving the world, even if she never wanted to work with them before.

Carol had heard of this group of people, those heroes, they were often on the news when she visited Maria, but it never occurred to her to work with them, they were based on Earth when she was always in space. They found Thanos together but the stones were gone and the vanished still in the wind. Carol left the Avengers right after that, she wanted to be by Maria's side during her recovery.

Everything was calm on their side for a few months, Carol was there all the time, taking care of Maria, until she was asked for help in space. She really wanted to stay but Maria told her to go, she was still Captain Marvel and it was her duty to respond to distress calls like those. Unfortunately, those calls were more and more frequent and she barely had the time to come visit anymore.

Quickly, the Avengers contacted her, asking if she could be a part of their team, report of what she was doing in space and share the work to do with the Guardians. If it wasn't for Natasha, Carol would have refused, she wasn't the kind of person to work with people but the redhead's perfect organisation and smart ideas made her stay.

They all agreed on weekly updates, it was the best amount of time to keep track of everything that happened, especially for Natasha who was coordinating it all.

One time, about a year and a half after Maria's surgery, Natasha first mentioned a special update, for the Captain and her only. What was sure was that Carol didn't see it coming, whether it was Maria's cancer coming back or Natasha telling her that she kept it touch with her in case she needed to say something important to her best friend.

Again, Carol was with Maria for all the scans and MRI, and Natasha accompanied them some times too. She said she couldn't stay in her office when she knew Maria was in bad shape, she wanted infos and to support them. Carol was glad she was there, waiting while Maria was in those machines were like torture for her, with the redhead she could get her mind off of it for a little, which really helped her to keep her stress down.

But duty called and it called a lot, they both had to go back to work, which really they both didn't like. In the next months, Natasha would have some more special updates for Carol, each one worse than the one before. The chemo isn't strong enough, it isn't working, they are trying something new, they don't know if they will be able to operate. Carol's morale was in free fall, it was impossible for her to not think about Maria every day, despite how Natasha tried to distract her when they had private calls.

That day, when Natasha said these two words, Carol almost instantly left the meeting to rush back to Earth, feeling that the news would be bad. She still stayed, barely listened or talked, and hastened to ask Natasha if she should come back or not the second the others had left.

"She wants to stop the treatment," Natasha told her with a grave tone, not answering the question but Carol didn't care anymore, "she said she was too sick, she isn't living anymore."

"How much time?" Carol choked, "How much she has left if she stops."

Natasha didn't reply right away, she looked for something on her desk, a paper where she noted what Maria told her over the phone, "The doc said a few weeks, three months at best."

It was enough for Carol to cut the communication and fly back to Earth. When she landed on the roof of the hospital, Natasha was there, her blonde hair that had grown back with red roots hovering in the wind, "You didn't think I wouldn't come," she said when she saw Carol smiling at her. Carol thanked her with a warm hug before they both went to see Maria.

There was no way convincing her to take her treatment again, Maria was stubborn and stood by her choice. Carol had to agree that it was the best though, she lost a lot of weight because of the chemo, her hair was no longer but it suited her to be bold. Carol spent every day with her, she wished they could leave the hospital but Maria was too weak to even get out of her bed. So Carol brought the fun to her, souvenirs that reminded them of their old life, when they used to date, before everything went to shit with the Kree. Natasha visited twice a week, bringing Carol infos of how the Guardians were doing on their own in space, they also chatted about normal life, even if none of them ever really had one.

But _the_ day eventually came, and even waking up was difficult for Carol on this morning of spring. She felt it coming, since Maria started to cough so hard she spat blood, she only had a few days left. The day before, she had a heart attack and was somehow brought back to life by the doctors but she asked them to not do it again. She was ready, she was in so much pain that she even _wanted_ to die, but Carol really wasn't ready.

How could she ever be ready, after they lost their child, she couldn't see another member of her family die, she couldn't be the last one standing. Maria used to be her lover, her girlfriend, her fiancée even, for a few weeks. They called it off because Maria could see it held Carol back from being totally free to fly around space, she wanted her to be the hero she was meant to be and that wasn't compatible with them being in a relationship. Even after they broke up, Carol was still around, not as much, but she still came back for their birthdays, hers, Maria's and Monica's. They would also call, but it wasn't exactly the same as before. It never changed the fact that they were family, family that Carol wasn't ready to say goodbye to.

She arrived at the hospital at dawn, before the visits were even allowed to the public and wasn't so much surprised to find Natasha at the front door, smoking a cigarette.

"Didn't know you smoke," Carol said as she extended her arm, asking the redhead to share.

"I haven't in years," Natasha admitted, "happens when I'm nervous."

Carol hummed, she understood what was behind nervous. She finished the rest of Natasha's cigarette before they entered the hospital together, automatically making their way to Maria's room.

As they reached it, Carol abruptly stopped walking, her breathing sped up and her lips trembled.

"Carol?" Natasha asked as she turned, the sight of Carol's state making her gasp quietly.

"I can't go in there," she muttered, not sure that Natasha heard her but she continued, "I'm not ready, I can't see her die."

Slowly, Natasha stepped closer to her and took her hands, "Hey," she whispered and got Carol attention, "nobody expect you to be ready, you have all the rights not to be."

"It's so not fair to her. She is about to die and I'm broken, I should be strong for her."

"She doesn't expect you to be," Natasha told her as she cupped her cheek, "she knows it's hard for you, she knows what it means. You can be vulnerable around her Carol."

Slightly nodding, Carol leaned into Natasha's touch and closed her eyes before taking a deep breath, "Okay," she sighed and squeezed Natasha's hand.

"I'm staying there, okay? Tell me if you need anything."

After another nod, Carol let go of Natasha's hand and knocked on the door before stepping inside.

Maria wasn't linked to as much machines as before, there was only an IV in her arm that gave her pain killers, the cardiac monitor that was muted and the nasal cannula that helped her breathe a little.

"Morning, Captain Danvers," Maria greeted and coughed.

"Morning, Captain Rambeau," Carol replied as she sat beside her on the mattress and poured some water in a glass that she gave to Maria to ease her burning throat.

Seeing how much she struggled just to swallow brought Carol to tears, she couldn't bear to see her best friend in so much pain.

"Maria," the blonde whined as she took her hand.

"Please don't cry, Carol," Maria told her and gave her hand a comforting squeeze, "we already cried so much, I want to see you smile today."

Carol scoffed, which made her smile a little, "I'm doing my best."

"I know you are, that's what you always do," Maria coughed again, "you _are_ the best person I know, always have been."

"I don't know about that."

"Well, I do," Maria said with a smirk, "you are _so_ selfless that it will kill you one day. You have to think about yourself for once, Carol. I know I've always pushed you to be a hero but I was so wrong, you should be what you want to be, do what makes you happy."

"I always wanted to be a hero but now that I am I wanna stop," Carol laughed and so did Maria, as much as it hurt her throat and lungs. The pain was so big that she had to lean forward to feel slightly better, Carol hopelessly rubbing her back to soothe her.

"Allow yourself to be happy, Carol. I know that you only feel pain because of me but I'm tellin' ya, the happiness that someone can give you is worth the pain of losing them one day," As she said that, Maria looked at door of her room, knowing Natasha was on the other side, there to support Carol when she would need it, "other people are there for you, and I know they can make you happy."

Carol followed Maria's gaze and saw Natasha pacing in the corridor through the small window, "I'd be more of a burden for her than anything, she already has so much going on."

"Just like you… I think you could help each other out quite effectively. And imma stop you right there, she does like you and you definitely like her too, you flirt with her like you used to flirt with me."

Carol chuckled, "You know I only have one flirting technique that works."

"Yes, and it works on her."

"But I don't wanna replace you," Carol cried.

Maria tilted her head and cupped Carol's cheek, "You are not. We were what we were, it changed, evolved, it was always perfect. I doubt you will ever have another roller coaster of a relationship like you've had with me, she would be something new."

"Stop trying to find me a girlfriend, it's weird," Carol giggled as her free hand reached Maria's on her cheek, "I can't promise I will try but I keep it in mind."

"Good-" Maria's breath was cut by a sore coughing fit, it hurt so much that tears uncontrollably escaped the corner of her eyes.

Carol watched her suffering, helpless and somehow wishing that it would soon stop. Maria eventually laid back in her bed and let go of Carol's hand to pull the blanket over her chest to be more comfortable.

"I think it's better if I stop talking now. I already told you all I had to say, just don't be an idiot and listen to me, please."

Carol laughed quietly, "I can't promise anything," she said as she caressed Maria's cheek, "you really chose to insult me as your last words?"

Maria pressed her lips together to stop herself from laughing and only released a breath after a dozen seconds, "I love you, Carol Danvers," she murmured and kissed the inside of her hand.

"I love you, Maria Rambeau," the blonde mirrored and leaned in to press a soft kiss on her forehead. She lingered, not wanting this moment to have an end. Maria waited for Carol to pull away to share one last glance before closing her eyes, the image of Carol's hazelnut irises being her last memory as she released her last breath.

Carol knew she was gone, she felt it in her heart, something had left her and the emptiness that replaced it filled her with profound sadness. Sobbing silently, Carol tucked her face in the crook of Maria's neck and inhaled deeply, hoping she would never forget the scent of the woman she loved for so many years. Holding the lifeless body of her best friend, Carol thought about Monica and it pained her even more, their daughter vanished thinking her mom would get discharged from the hospital, thinking she was okay, and she died of the same God damn cancer. If she ever returned, if they found a way to bring them all back, Monica would discover it all and just imagining her reaction made Carol hoped she would never have to hear it.

She spent long minutes alone with Maria until a nurse entered her room, she must have seen that she was gone for a moment but she gave Carol time and intimacy. Carol was still holding onto her when a gentle hand rubbed her shoulder, wordlessly telling her that it was time for her to let go but it was like asking a flower to stop blooming at the sun, it was just _so_ normal that it felt impossible.

Carol eventually loosened her grip around her best friend's body, allowing the nurse to pull the blanket away. She took her time to release her, the staff of the hospital wasn't going to rip her off her just deceased friend. When Carol did sit up, completely letting go of Maria, she felt a squeeze on her shoulder and realised it wasn't the nurse who tried to comfort her before.

After a glance at the flat line on the heart monitor, Carol turned and saw Natasha standing beside the bed with a single tear slowly rolling down her cheek. With her hand still on Carol's shoulder, Natasha reached her cheekbone and wiped her tears away, on one side of her face and then the other. Carol leaned into the touch, allowing Natasha to take care of her. Carefully, Natasha took a step forward, entering Carol's personal space and lifted her chin to make her look into her eyes. She didn't have to say a word, her dark green as were saying plenty.

Natasha gently pulled Carol towards her, helping her getting on her feet before wrapping her arm around her waist and guided her outside of the room. She knew Carol wasn't ready to leave and stopped in the corridor and let her look through the window while the nurse took the IV out of her arm and covered her body with a white sheet.

A few minutes later, two nurses joined the one inside to help her taking the stretcher out of the room. Natasha held Carol's hand as they passed by them and instantly pulled her into her arms when they were gone. Coming to the realisation that she wasn't going to see Maria again hit Carol like a train, she wasn't there anymore, her last memory of her was her smile when she told her she loved her. In Natasha's arms, Carol completely let her emotions in control and cried, her tears wetting Natasha's shirt, her sobs the only sound in this hallway, and she stopped when she was too tired to stand.

Natasha led her to the closest chair and bent down in front of her, slipping her hair behind her ears to see her face, "I'm gonna take you to my place, okay?"

Carol's throat was just a knot, she couldn't reply. She nodded instead, Natasha softly caressing her cheek before helping her standing. They slowly made their way to Carol's car, the redhead allowing herself to search her pocket to find the keys. She brought Carol to the passenger seat and took the wheel.

Natasha's apartment was not far from the hospital, twenty minutes if the traffic was dense, Carol crashed there more than she could count since Maria's cancer came back. It wasn't made for more than two people, the single bedroom wasn't big enough to fit a king size bed but it was enough for the redhead and Carol when she needed to sleep on the couch.

They stepped inside, Carol's hand not letting go of Natasha's until they arrived at the bathroom door, "You go take a shower while I order us food, okay?"

It made Carol smile that Natasha asked for her consent, she would always do that, even when it was just for take-outs. While she was in the shower, Natasha called the closest pizzeria and ordered Carol's favourite, then she let a few people know that she would not be at work for a few days. There weren't many, just the Guardians of the Galaxy, Okoye and Rhodey, the others were missing or not enough in her life anymore for them to know about Carol's best friend being sick. They all said they would be there for the funeral, though it wasn't planned yet.

For the next few days, Natasha took care of the details for the ceremony while Carol rested. The first night had been awful for her, she had a nightmare the moment she fell asleep and eventually chose not to sleep. The next day, Natasha told her to come to her room for the night, desperately hoping she could help her sleeping peacefully. It was slightly better, Carol felt that she was not alone and managed to sleep without bad dreams, but she still didn't sleep a lot.

There weren't many people both Carol and Natasha knew invited at the funeral, most of them were from S.W.O.R.D, an agency that had been working in the shadows for years. Carol only heard of them because Maria created it and Monica worked there but she was too busy to work with them.

Carol wanted to wear her air force uniform at the ceremony, even if it was decades ago, she was still a Captain just like Maria and she thought it would be a great homage. But, when she put it on, something was wrong, she didn't like having her long hair tied in a bun so tight she felt like someone was pulling her brain out of her head. Frustrated, she undid her hair and took off her top before calling Natasha.

The redhead entered and found Carol topless, no under shirt or bra covering her chest. Not distracted at all by this detail, she joined Carol at the mirror and waited for her tell her what she needed.

"Can you cut my hair?" she asked as she looked at Natasha's reflection, "like, very short. Maria always wanted to see me with short hair, she said I would look very gay."

Natasha snorted, "I can imagine her saying that," she said before giving Carol a stool to sit on.

Carol trusted Natasha to cut her hair right, she didn't give her any information and just sat and waited. Natasha remembered pictures she had seen of Maria before she got sick, the haircut she had a tried to do one that looked like hers on Carol. It was harder than she thought because they had different types of hair so Natasha cut the blonde hair shorter. In the end, the sides of Carol's head was extremely short, only a few millimetres long, and it was longer on the top. After putting spray on her hair to keep them slipped back, Natasha was done and let Carol looking at herself in the mirror.

But Carol didn't move, she wasn't ready to see how much this new haircut changed her and, above all, how much Maria would have loved it. Coming back from her room ten minutes later, Natasha saw that Carol was still where she left her, her hands motionless on her lap and head bowed down. Slowly, she walked at her level, her hands sliding on her shoulders until she stood behind her.

After turning the stool so Carol was in front of her, Natasha helped her putting on her shirt and then her jackets, all her medals jingling as she adjusted it. When she was done, Natasha lifted Carol's head, the latter avoiding eye contact as she fixed her hair.

"How do I look?" Carol eventually muttered as she locked her gaze with Natasha's.

Natasha's eyes wandered, analysed her face before matching Carol's sad and tired ones again, "Beautiful," she whispered as her fingertips brushed the skin of her temple.

And there, Carol noticed Natasha's gaze finding her lips and she couldn't look anywhere else. She kept two fingers lightly pressed on the blonde's jaw and stared at her lips, craving to kiss them but she didn't, knowing it wasn't the moment. When Carol did like her and glanced down, she saw Natasha's slightly parted lips and was _so_ tempted, but at the same time she was not ready. Carol eventually put her hands on Natasha's waist and pulled her closer to press their foreheads together.

They stood there for long minutes, one of Natasha's hands on the side of Carol's neck while the other was lightly resting on her chest. Carol realised in the softness of this moment that Maria was right – as always – she could know happiness with someone else and, even if it would take time, it was worth it.

And Natasha would never try to take Maria's place, she knew what she meant to Carol and respected it, admired it. She wanted nothing more than the little happiness left in Carol, the happiness she didn't give to Maria, this small amount was enough for her. But there was much more in Carol than what she imagined, because even if she gave a lot, the blonde also received joy, she learnt and grew thanks to Maria and even through all the pain she felt strong it in her.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the CarolNat hints weren't too much, I apologies if it was the case but I'm still a CarolNat shipper first. 
> 
> Also, to me, knowing Natasha, it's sure that she was there for Carol, even just as a friend, Natasha is this kind of person and I hate Marvel for not showing their friendship more in Endgame.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this one shot. Please give me your thoughts in the comments.


End file.
